Source: The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson, pg. 15-27
As you probably know, our
brains are divided into two hemispheres that function very differently. Your left-brain loves order…it is
logical, literal, linguistic, and linear.
Your right-brain cares about the meaning and feeling of an experience
and specializes in emotions. So
while your left-brain loves words and putting things in a sequence, your
right-brain is focused on facial expression, eye contact, tone of voice,
posture, and gestures. To put it
another way the left-brain cares about the letter of the law, while the right
brain is all about the spirit of the law.
For a child’s first three
years of life they are right-brain dominate. Once they start asking “Why?” you know that the logical side
is starting to kick in! Though
keep in mind that our brains are not fully developed until we are in our
mid-20s!
Now, all parents
experience times when their children say things and get upset about issues that
don’t seem to make any sense (operating out of their right-brain). When this happens it can be very
frustrating, especially when you expect your child to be old enough to act
rationally. However, out of the
blue he/she becomes upset about something ridiculous, and no amount of reasoning
(operating out of your left-brain) on your part will help. In fact, if you use a left-brain,
logical response to your child’s wave of right-brain emotion you will create a
lose-lose situation.
When this occurs use the “Connect
and Redirect” technique. Use your
right-brain to connect with the child’s right-brain by pulling your child
close, rubbing his/her back, and with a nurturing tone of voice identifying
with the emotion the child is experiencing. Ask supportive questions that prompt the child to explain
his/her feelings and as you hold the child through this and listen you will
feel the child’s body relax. This
is connecting and this helps the child bring his/her brain into balance. With the child now feeling heard and
cared for you can address the specific issues he/she brought up, as the child
will now be more receptive to problem solving…this is redirecting.
By understanding how your
child’s brain works, you can create cooperation much quicker and with less
drama! Just remember that by first
connecting right-brain to right-brain you will be able to more easily connect left
to left and deal with the issue in a rational manner.
* When a child is upset, logic often
won’t work until we have responded to the right brain’s emotional needs.
